Meghan Markle Admits She 'Didn't Want To Be Alive Anymore,' Says She Tried To Get Help But 'Institution' Wouldn't Let Her
Getting real. Meghan Markle admitted being in the spotlight and part of the royal family really got to her. So much so, the 39-year-old had suicidal thoughts a few years ago.
"I just didn’t see a solution, I don’t understand how all of this is being churned out – again, I wasn’t seeing it, but it’s worse when you see it through your mom, friends," she told Oprah Winfrey on March 7. "It was all happening because I was breathing. Look, I was really ashamed to say it at the time and ashamed to have to admit to [Prince] Harry especially because I know how much loss he’s suffered, but I knew that if I didn’t say it, that I would do it and I just didn’t – I didn’t want to be alive anymore."
"That was a very clear and real and frightening constant thought. I remember how he just cradled me. I went to the institution and I said that I needed to go somewhere to get help, I had never felt this way before, I was told it wouldn’t be good for the institution," she said, clarifying the institution is a group of several people.
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"I went to one of the most senior people to get help and I shared this because there are so many people who are afraid to voice that they need help and I know personally to not just voice it but to be told no," she said. "So, I went to HR and I said, I need help because at my old job, there was a union and they would protect me. I remember this conversation like it was yesterday because they said my heart goes out to you because I see how bad it is, but there's nothing we can do to protect you because you’re not a paid part of the institution. I am concerned for my mental well being, it’s terrible but nothing was ever done, so we had to find a solution."
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Meghan even reached out to Princess Diana's best friend to give her some advice.
Ultimately, Meghan was rejected from getting the help she needed. "That’s what I was asking to do, you couldn’t do that. I couldn’t call an Uber to the Palace, you have to understand – when I joined that family, that was the last time until we came here that I saw my passport, my license, my keys – all of that gets turned over, I didn’t see that anymore."
The couple was about to go to an event at Albert Hall one night, and earlier that morning, Meghan told Harry that she was having these terrible thoughts.
"We had to go this event and I remember saying, 'I can’t be left alone.' We went and that picture if you zoom in what I see is how tightly is knuckles are gripped around mine because we are smiling and doing our job, but we’re both just trying to hold on. Every time the lights went down in the royal box, I was weeping and he was gripping my hand. OK, intermission is coming, lights are about to come on and you have to be on again and I think that’s so important for people to remember – you have no idea what’s going on behind closed doors – it seems to have compassion for what’s potentially going on," she said.